Holiditis

There’s little question that holidays are becoming more and more elaborately celebrated, particularly Christmas. For example, I went to the store on October 25 and found all the Halloween items relegated to a back aisle to make room for the Christmas tree displays already up. So, given that kind of buildup, it’s no surprise that, come January 2^nd, many people I deal with find it hard to return to the less-jolly life they may lead the rest of the year. After all, gone are all the lights and glittering tinsel. Perry Como and Nat King Cole are once again relegated to their customary lesser roles on the radio (for most of us, anyway), and on the whole our caloric intake returns to normal (which is still too high, of course).

But some individuals refuse to return to the banality that is their existence for approximately 11 months of the year, so they hold on to Christmas as if it were the only reason to get up in the morning. I refer to this condition as “holiditis.”

Holiditis affects approximately 21% of the population in the weeks following Christmas, according to a statistic I just made up. Since it’s so widespread, chances are that someone you know and love suffers from this affliction. It also tends to affect three times as many women as men; cat owners are particularly susceptible. Let’s examine the symptoms of the disease and then discuss recommended treatments.

Victims of holiditis tend to have a blood-cheer level of greater than 1% on an ongoing basis, which is not reduced by watching the evening news, paying bills, or attending funerals. They also tend to respond to casual greetings such as “How are you?” by saying something such as “Fantastic! Couldn’t be better!” (Please note that this differs from Enthusiastic Personality Syndrome; a diagnosis of holiditis includes at least two symptoms from this list.)

Holiditis sufferers tend to wear shades of red and green simultaneously, outside of the acceptable date range which occurs between Thanksgiving Day and December 31.

They have a stomach that, when the individual is laughing, tends to shake in the manner of a dish containing gelatin. They also have rosier than average cheeks, listen to more than two Christmas songs within a single calendar month between January and October, and may own a pet named Rudolph, Dasher, or Mistletoe.

When afflicted with holiditis, the victim’s body develops a dependence on the disease as a result of increased levels of the hormone “weihnachtin” within the body. This necessitates a gradual treatment process. Here are some effective home remedies which are often successful.

Allow the individual to leave Christmas decorations up for a few extra days (but not too long, or their dependence will increase). Every day she should put away up to five Christmas decoration items, thus gradually reducing their exposure to jolliness. Where possible, gloves of a neutral color should be used. The items should then be stored in airtight containers and stored in a cool, dry place that is not visited by the patient on a regular basis, such as the attic.

Allow the individual to participate in post-Christmas shopping, in incrementally shorter sessions, until he or she is able to simply run to the store for a gallon of milk without returning home with wrapped packages (note that this treatment must be completed before the wedding season begins in April). Those who are recovering from holiditis should refrain from doing their Christmas shopping gradually throughout the year, or the risk of relapse will increase significantly.

The patient should complete a course of listening to traditional Christmas carols, followed by holiday songs performed by popular artists. This is the most trying portion of the treatment for everyone involved, because of the pain involved in listening to “Santa, Baby,” but bear in mind that it is for the sake of your loved one. By the end, the patient should express a preference for “normal” music again.

The final phase of treatment for holiditis is to have the patient view holiday-themed movies. The first films viewed should be as “Christmas-y” as possible, such as White Christmas or the old Rudolph claymation film. Then you should gradually bring the level of holiday spirit down to the manageable level sustained by Home Alone, and continue until the patient is again able to view films with no mention of Christmas at all.

When the disease is detected early and treatment is begun promptly, the recovery rate from holiditis is 95%. If, however, diagnosis is delayed, some people are never able to fully recover. The most notable case of this is the 44-year-old electrician in Great Britain who celebrates Christmas every day, complete with a turkey dinner and presents to himself. Nobody deserves to end up like that. So please sit your loved one down and talk about it, because friends don’t let friends wear Santa hats all year long.

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Santa or No Santa?

For LDS parents (and indeed for all Christians), the question of whether or not to encourage children to believe in Santa is a difficult one. Parents who desire to focus on the spiritual aspects of the holiday are faced with a difficult decision. You might end up with a child who spoils the secret for all his classmates, or your children might accuse you of lying to them when they eventually find out the truth. Of course, the most important risk is that your child will consider Santa, instead of the Savior, the true symbol of the season, leading children to focus on presents and reindeer instead of rejoicing in the birth of Jesus.

Consider for a moment the origin of Santa Claus. It is generally believed that the inspiration for the legend was a Catholic Bishop who anonymously gave gifts to the poor and lived a life replete with good deeds. Over time, the life and works of Saint Nicholas, as he was eventually known, spread throughout Europe. As Christianity spread, Christian beliefs were mixed with Pagan practices, leading to such traditions as the hanging of stockings. These traditions were carried to North America by the Dutch. Eventually, a misunderstanding of his Dutch appellation, Sinterklaas, led to the adoption into English of the name Santa Claus.

It was not until the early 1900s that the modern idea of Santa Claus began to take shape, when intensive ad campaigns, particularly by the Coca Cola Company (which may be largely responsible for Santa’s red and white attire), popularized the character in his modern form. At this point he bore little resemblance to the original historical figure, and the idea gradually evolved that in order for him to provide toys for so many children, he employed elves in a workshop.

In Santa Claus we then have an excellent example of a Christian concept changed by the world over time until it has lost much of its original nobility. This serves as a warning to us: In a world where the fundamental values of Christianity are in many instances being changed to meet popular sentiment, we must hold our values firm despite the constant evolution of culture.
There is, however, still some good to be found in the ideal of Santa Claus. He is depicted as a kind, selfless old man, which can inspire us to good deeds. The men dressed as Santa who collect donations for the poor are keeping the spirit of Christmas as they work to help those less fortunate. Santa often appears at family parties, hospitals, and orphanages, bringing joy to many innocent children. In this way, then, the modern Santa can still accomplish works of Christian charity. Santa, then can be a useful tool for spreading brotherly love.

I think that the ideal of Santa Claus can be a means through which we can fulfill the commandment to love our neighbor, without too-frequent use of the sacred name or character of Jesus. So if we can teach our children of the good that the character of Santa represents, without specifying that he exists as one person, we can enjoy the season in a way that allows us to remember Him who is the embodiment of kindness and love.

Grounds for Camping

Once Jack Frost has finally scurried back to his summer home at the North Pole, it’s time to maximize your enjoyment of the summer. One great tradition in many families is the summer camping trip.

Unfortunately, most of us still resent our parents for dragging us along, so there may be a stigma attached to the idea. But if you can manage to repress those memories, getting back to nature can be a great way to bring your family closer together (so long as you remember pack your deodorant). Of course, not everyone was, er, privileged enough to grow up with this tradition. So if you’re new to the idea of family camping, or if your psychiatrist just recommends that you don’t think too much about that particular chapter from your youth, here is a simple guide to preparing for the trip.

The first step is to decide when you want to go. Holiday weekends are often the easiest to plan, since you may have an extra day off of work, but they come at the cost of dealing with packed campgrounds. And outhouses are bad enough without having to actually wait in line for the experience. Therefore, I recommend taking your camping trip the weekend before a major holiday, because most people who would have gone that weekend will put it off one more week (this also works for Disneyland trips). If you’re lucky, your boss will even let you switch your day off. It’s amazing how much work you can get done on a holiday without all your coworkers around the office.

Next, you need to figure out where you want to go. There are state websites with recreation information, of course, or you can just pack the car and drive up into the mountains, stopping whenever you get lost or run out of gas. If you’re not quite that adventurous, though, there are some important considerations in choosing a campsite. As you consider where you will camp, remember the acronym WASTE.

Water is essential, and bringing your own will take a lot of space in your vehicle. So it’s best to make sure your designated campground has a source of drinkable water (unless you want to camp out in the latrine instead).

Animals in the area can be fascinating to watch, but they also carry disease, so you don’t want them rummaging through your food or sharing your sleeping bag. So be sure to look for reports of animals in the area; otherwise you might find a skunk in your tent one evening like my dad once did (seriously).

Shade is very important for a summer campsite. When you park the car and climb out for a look, it may seem like a pretty clearing, but once you get your tent set up in the summer heat, without shade it will become an oven that will only magnify the fact that you haven’t bathed in days. Trees also give the advantage of breaking up the wind, while only marginally increasing the risk of a squirrel dropping acorns on your head as you come out in the morning.

Toilets are one of mankind’s most important inventions, and as such should not be overlooked in the search for the perfect campsite. While flushing toilets are relatively rare in campgrounds, an outhouse with a door is still better than digging a hole behind some bushes which may or may not be poison oak.

Ease of access is also important to consider, especially with gas prices today. You might be surprised at how many campgrounds can be found an hour away or less from civilization, which is also handy when one of your children eats a stinkbug on a dare and you need to go call the doctor.

Once you have the time and the place selected, you can sit down and create a packing list. Obviously you need to make sure you pack enough food for the family, but don’t forget that you also need a way to cook it. This includes pots and pans, a camp stove, and also dishes and utensils (scooping hot chili from a pan with your hand can leave scars—just ask my cousin Chet).

As far as clothing goes, just remember that the higher up you are, the colder it will get at night. You might want to pack a few extra sweatshirts and blankets if you have teenagers who are too cool to bring anything but shorts and T-shirts. Being able to say “I told you so” is just as satisfying on vacation.

Don’t forget to pack adequate entertainment, especially for the kids. Just because you can sit and listen to the chirping of birds all day doesn’t mean a ten-year-old can. Try to bring books and games, even if you have to conveniently “forget” the extra batteries for the electronics the kids will inevitably bring (which reminds me: when selecting a camping site, try to find a place without cell phone reception, so the kids don’t spend the entire trip sending text messages to friends).

Well, there you have it. Just follow these simple steps to ensure that you will have a camping experience that’s just as memorable as the ones you had when you were young, but without the post-traumatic stress disorder. And remember: the more you rough it on vacation, the more luxurious your whole life seems when you return.

Grooms: I Do's and Don'ts

The wedding season is once again upon us, so congratulations to those of you who are about to get married! Marriage is the key that will unlock the door of happiness, just so long as you don’t accidentally open the one marked “misery.” Now, because men aren’t always known for being observant and thoughtful, I’m here to share some of the tips and tricks that have made my marriage to what’s-her-name Mrs. Wonderful the beacon of stability and happiness that it is.

The first key to succeeding in your marriage is to really get to know your intended. This gives you two advantages: first, you’ll always know what presents to give for special occasions (even though she inevitably wants expensive jewelry—I mean, come on! Who can really tell the difference between a diamond and cubic zirconium, anyway?). The second advantage is that you’ll know what behaviors to avoid (in some cultures, burping is a compliment to the chef; at least, that’s what the TV said). Now, it can get annoying for your fiancée if you ask her a bunch of questions about what she likes. So it’s better to just sit and watch everything she does and write it down. (This will also help you detect any personality problems she develops, such as intense paranoia.) After all, women love attention.

Now, many women have spent countless hours from their childhood on up planning their wedding day. She will probably have the dress, colors, flowers, and food all picked out long before you even met. Many men therefore feel tempted to just sit back and let the bride (or her mother) do all the work. But you don’t want to make your bride do all that work, do you? You should jump on in and offer opinions on everything from the wedding cake to the bridesmaid dresses. And you can also help by working to resolve any disagreements between the bride and her mother. They’re sure to appreciate the help.

Chances are your soon-to-be-wife will want to serve dessert at the reception, with cakes and “nut cups” and possibly temple-shaped mints. But let’s face it: won’t you get a better turnout if you advertise a full buffet? Think about all those college buddies who would be sure to show up if you offer burgers and ribs. In fact, having the event catered by a local steakhouse would take an awful lot of pressure off of everyone, and the increased attendance will translate to more gifts to help the new couple start their life together. It can also help to stimulate the local economy.

Some brides may claim that they want their wedding dress to be a surprise, but what woman doesn’t dream of a man who enjoys shopping? Insist that you accompany her when she goes dress shopping. You probably know where to get a better deal anyway. And finding a dress at Savers makes great financial sense, since she’s only going to wear it once anyway. Plus it will enable you to divert much-needed funds to the food.

Planning the honeymoon takes a lot of work. You’ll want to make sure you take care of it in advance, since tickets to your favorite sporting events usually sell fast. You don’t want to have to pay a scalper $400 to get into NASCAR or a baseball game. If you time it right, you could get tickets to every home playoff game of your favorite team, which is sure to make for a memorable experience.

As the big day approaches, you may notice your fiancée getting a little short-tempered from the stress. If that happens, it’s a sure sign that you need to do more to help her with the plans. You could surprise her by baking the wedding cake yourself, or by making your own invitations (if it’s shaped like a T-bone, that will get people’s attention). There’s no need to stress her further by bothering her with the details.

Finally the big day will arrive. Your bride is sure to look absolutely stunning in the dress you helped her choose, so you’ll want to look your best too. Be sure to take a shower, and comb your hair, too, since baseball caps are generally frowned upon at weddings, especially at the temple. You’ll also want some nice clothes for the reception, because if there’s one thing women like, it’s a man who dresses for the occasion. Since the catering lends a Western flavor to the evening, get yourself a red bandana, a nice pair of boots, wranglers, and a shiny belt buckle the size of a dinner plate. Add a fancy Stetson, and you’re as classy (yet masculine) as you can get.

By using these simple tips, you’ll be sure to make your wedding day the most memorable experience of your life. But remember, it doesn’t stop there. Much of what you learn while preparinge for your wedding can be used after the wedding to help your marriage remain strong, but we’ll discuss that later. Good luck, and be sure to send me an invitation to the reception, especially if there’s beef involved.

A Debate for All Seasons

I’m not particularly good at making small talk, probably because I’ve never made an attempt to improve such skills. I don’t really have a problem with sitting in silence (the more awkward the silence, the more amusing I find it), and sometimes I’m convinced that if I squint hard enough I’ll be able to see the wheels turning in someone’s head as they attempt to come up with the next topic to discuss. One of the most popular conversation topics, of course, is the weather. I would like to see some statistics on the role weather plays in conversations. Not only is it the universal conversation starter, but the sentiments expressed are almost always negative, at least in my experience.

At this point I should explain that I have spent most of my life in northern Utah. Those who live here are well aware that we have about two weeks of truly gorgeous weather in the spring and two more in the fall (if we’re lucky). The rest of the time it’s usually over 90 or under 30 degrees outside. So complaints about the weather are not necessarily unjustified, depending on where you live. What I question, however, is the wisdom in discussing something we have no power to change.

As this particular winter considers relinquishing its hold on the land, I feel that I need to pause and take note of some of the similarities between weather cycles and life in general. Most of us probably have some sense that there are times when things are going well for us in every area of life, and there are inevitably times when things go wrong. We do, of course, have control of most aspects of our lives, but it’s important to recognize that some ups and downs are unavoidable. We might be able to eat right and exercise, for example, but we are powerless to prevent natural disasters. When we recognize the hand of God in our lives, it lends us some perspective and enables us to see the bigger picture, if we will humble ourselves enough to recognize His wisdom.

I look back on trials in my life and see the good that has come about by overcoming them, as when I have worked to correct a mistake, or simply enduring them, as in the case of serious illness. Similarly, as the earth thaws we can pause to appreciate the beauty that will soon be returning to the land, although the landscape may still look brown and lifeless. Winter acts as a sort of reset button for nature, allowing us to plant new flowers, paint the house, and just luxuriate in the returning warmth of the sun. We know from the scriptures that trials help keep our pride in check by reminding us of the true Master. They give us a chance to build character.

Spring is symbolic of times of prosperity. We can have family picnics, go hiking and camping (with no fear of losing digits to the cold), and take pride in beautifying our homes and yards. Spring is also, of course, the time to plant food which will be gathered in the fall, which food we need to survive the winter. When trials come, it’s comforting to have memories of better times, knowing that eventually our lot will improve, even if that happens only in the next life.

To me, those who have overcome serious trials always seem more content and wise, at whatever point in life they may be. Have you ever known someone who seems utterly unflustered despite the beating that life has dished out? I can only hope that someday I will reach that level of maturity. These are the people who have learned to appreciate the cold, dark winter, enjoying the variety of experiences that life has to offer. They understand, as did father Lehi, that without the contrast, the good loses its meaning. They are looking forward to the return of the summer, of course, but they don’t waste their effort complaining about where they are. Instead, they work hard to make the most of the present and ensure that the good times will come again. They “lay up in store” in times of plenty.

It may seem strange to compare something as trivial as small talk about the weather with something as deep as our overall attitude toward life, but I think our perspective colors our view of the world and our method of expressing ourselves. Our words probably tell more about us than we realize, at least to those who are paying attention. So the next time you hear someone complain about the weather, smile at them and tell them that you’re enjoying it, even if you have to force a smile as you chisel the ice from your windshield.

An Exercise in Persistence

If you’re anything like me, you have a hard time convincing yourself to exercise, particularly in the winter. There are many excuses for this, including being too tired and just not having any time. When it comes down to it, though, it’s usually just plain laziness that stops us from doing it. At least, that’s the truth in my case.

In the past, whenever I had tried to begin an exercising regimen, I immediately ran into a problem which I’m sure many people are familiar with. I started off doing too much, which left me sore and unable to continue exercising for days. So I would exercise one day and then end up not doing it again for weeks or months.

Last year, however, it finally dawned on me that the most important part was not necessarily how much I was doing at a given time, but simply that I did it consistently. That would help me develop a habit, which would allow me to gradually increase the amount of exercise I did. So I resolved to make it a daily habit, however little I might do. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to join a gym, because I don’t see why I should pay somebody every month to do something I can do at home for free (and without the potential for public humiliation).

The next challenge was to decide on when during the day to do the exercise. I have been told that exercising in the evening can wake you up too much to be able to go to sleep easily, and in any event the idea of getting sweaty before bed didn’t appeal to me (and I’m sure my wife would agree). I knew that the ideal was to get up early and exercise in the morning before taking a shower and getting ready for work. I have never had a problem getting up on time for work, but if I tried to get up very much earlier it just wouldn’t work. In the end I resolved to just give myself an extra 5 minutes in the morning to do a few fast and simple things.

I started by doing two crunches (seriously). I just wanted to make sure I was doing something, and I didn’t want to overdo it and make myself sore, since it had been quite a while since I had done any. So over the course of a couple of weeks I worked up to a dozen or so. Then I picked up a couple of cheap dumbbells to do a few curls, and a bench-press-style exercise where I would lie on the floor and push them up. Eventually I added a few pushups. I hate pushups, but I think they’re a great exercise, since they strengthen your back, chest, arms, and stomach.

Eventually I reached the point where I would do about 15 crunches, 15, pushups, and 15 curls. While that kind of exercise is not going to win me the Mr. Universe competition, doing it every day can help keep me in reasonable shape.

There is, of course, one more important kind of exercise I had so far neglected. Cardiovascular exercise is more important for overall health than strength training, and it’s also the most time-consuming, which is problematic. In the summer, it’s not too hard to play outside with my son for a few minutes every night or go for a walk as a family. But I knew the problem would be finding a way to get that activity in the winter. Getting up every morning in the winter is hard enough without trying to add an extra half hour to go running in the morning. I considered purchasing an elliptical trainer, but they are pretty expensive, and I have no place in my home to put it (seriously).

So I decided to be creative about it. I still plan to get my own elliptical trainer as soon as we have a big enough place to keep it, but in the meantime my parents have an elliptical trainer that I can use. So I decided to go over there a couple of evenings every week to exercise. (As a bonus, I could take my son so his grandparents could have quality time with him and my wife could have a little peace and quiet. Everybody wins that way.) While I have not yet been very consistent in this last goal, I will keep working on it.

The point of all this is that exercising doesn’t have to be a grueling, time-consuming burden on your day. We are all busy, and the last thing we need to do is try to cram one more thing into our schedules, but taking care of our body is an important part of our growth. When we do so, we show gratitude for the bodies we have been blessed with, and we help develop our self-discipline, which can have positive effects on the physical and spiritual aspects of our lives.

And if it helps us look good in a swimsuit, there’s no harm in that.

Valentine's Day: Something for Everyone

As Valentine’s Day approaches, the stress of wanting to be in a relationship can cause single people to misinterpret the actions of the opposite sex. The cashier at the grocery store may have brushed your hand when she gave you your change, but you shouldn’t have asked her to marry you without at least going on a date first. The bus driver told you to get behind the yellow line because he wanted you to get behind the yellow line, and not because he wanted to elope with you.

Even people in a committed relationship can feel the stress on Valentine’s Day. Forgetful men have to rush out of the house at 4 a.m. to scour the stores for an unopened box of chocolates, wives feel obligated to spend a romantic evening with their husband even though he ate the equivalent of 16 cloves of garlic with his dinner, and college students have to outspend the boyfriends of their girlfriends’ roommates so they don’t look bad by comparison.

For men in particular, Valentine’s Day can be a baffling ordeal. All the pink and red hearts everywhere, candy and flowers, and a potentially demanding wife or girlfriend. Well, the time for worrying is over. Here are some tips on having a successful Valentine’s Day, whether the highlight of your evening will be a candlelit dinner or a bucket of popcorn and inane reality shows.

First let’s deal with those of you who are, how shall I put this delicately, adrift in a black hole of crushing loneliness and despair. Cheer up! There’s no better time of year to find that special someone. Remember that however desperate you may be, there’s someone else out there at least as hopeless as you are. Valentine’s Day is the time of year when people lower their standards the most in the hope of attracting any romantic attention.

Start by looking in the places you frequent the most. Not only are you likely to find someone with similar interests that way, but it requires the least amount of effort. For example, if you grocery shop at a store that only sells organic food, you automatically share something in common with anyone you meet there. Plus, instead of buying her flowers (“Don’t kill any plants for me!”) you can just recycle some of the poetry you wrote as a 14-year-old, with such unforgettable lines as “You make me want to fly/And soar across the sky.” If all else fails, you can hang out at the bus stop hoping to meet people, but this method usually entails more humiliation than most of us are comfortable with, since a lot of women who use public transportation carry pepper spray.

If this method works, you are in for a treat, because the low expectations by which you snagged your sweetie also keep her from getting her hopes up too high regarding Valentine’s Day activities. Usually a heart-shaped pizza and a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie are sufficient.

Now for those who are in a relationship. Buckle up, because your commitment is about to be tested as never before, particularly if you’re a man. If this is your first Valentine’s Day spent together, you have a particularly difficult dilemma to resolve. On the one hand you don’t want to look cheap or insufficiently thoughtful (conversation hearts are only appropriate Valentine’s gifts in elementary school). On the other hand, if you do too much, each ensuing year will find you struggling to top the previous year, until you’re selling organs on the black market to pay for ten thousand roses and a private jet ride to Paris for dinner in front of the Eiffel Tower.

The key here, particularly in a marriage, is consistency. By establishing Valentine’s Day traditions, you appear thoughtful enough by remembering to do something every year without ending up in a competition with yourself (“If only I could travel in time back to last year and stop myself from hiring Michael Bolton to compose and sing a song just for her!”). You get bonus points for using the word “tradition,” as it automatically imbues the event with a sense of nostalgia and deep meaning. I suggest dinner out at a decent-but-not-too-expensive restaurant and a nice card. That’s a standard you can maintain every year without requiring illegal activities to procure funding.

As you can see, Valentine’s Day can be a testament to the love you share with your sweetheart, or it can mark the beginning of an irreversible downward spiral in your relationship. The choice is yours.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go invent a time machine. Michael Bolton? What was I thinking?!