Holiditis

There’s little question that holidays are becoming more and more elaborately celebrated, particularly Christmas. For example, I went to the store on October 25 and found all the Halloween items relegated to a back aisle to make room for the Christmas tree displays already up. So, given that kind of buildup, it’s no surprise that, come January 2^nd, many people I deal with find it hard to return to the less-jolly life they may lead the rest of the year. After all, gone are all the lights and glittering tinsel. Perry Como and Nat King Cole are once again relegated to their customary lesser roles on the radio (for most of us, anyway), and on the whole our caloric intake returns to normal (which is still too high, of course).

But some individuals refuse to return to the banality that is their existence for approximately 11 months of the year, so they hold on to Christmas as if it were the only reason to get up in the morning. I refer to this condition as “holiditis.”

Holiditis affects approximately 21% of the population in the weeks following Christmas, according to a statistic I just made up. Since it’s so widespread, chances are that someone you know and love suffers from this affliction. It also tends to affect three times as many women as men; cat owners are particularly susceptible. Let’s examine the symptoms of the disease and then discuss recommended treatments.

Victims of holiditis tend to have a blood-cheer level of greater than 1% on an ongoing basis, which is not reduced by watching the evening news, paying bills, or attending funerals. They also tend to respond to casual greetings such as “How are you?” by saying something such as “Fantastic! Couldn’t be better!” (Please note that this differs from Enthusiastic Personality Syndrome; a diagnosis of holiditis includes at least two symptoms from this list.)

Holiditis sufferers tend to wear shades of red and green simultaneously, outside of the acceptable date range which occurs between Thanksgiving Day and December 31.

They have a stomach that, when the individual is laughing, tends to shake in the manner of a dish containing gelatin. They also have rosier than average cheeks, listen to more than two Christmas songs within a single calendar month between January and October, and may own a pet named Rudolph, Dasher, or Mistletoe.

When afflicted with holiditis, the victim’s body develops a dependence on the disease as a result of increased levels of the hormone “weihnachtin” within the body. This necessitates a gradual treatment process. Here are some effective home remedies which are often successful.

Allow the individual to leave Christmas decorations up for a few extra days (but not too long, or their dependence will increase). Every day she should put away up to five Christmas decoration items, thus gradually reducing their exposure to jolliness. Where possible, gloves of a neutral color should be used. The items should then be stored in airtight containers and stored in a cool, dry place that is not visited by the patient on a regular basis, such as the attic.

Allow the individual to participate in post-Christmas shopping, in incrementally shorter sessions, until he or she is able to simply run to the store for a gallon of milk without returning home with wrapped packages (note that this treatment must be completed before the wedding season begins in April). Those who are recovering from holiditis should refrain from doing their Christmas shopping gradually throughout the year, or the risk of relapse will increase significantly.

The patient should complete a course of listening to traditional Christmas carols, followed by holiday songs performed by popular artists. This is the most trying portion of the treatment for everyone involved, because of the pain involved in listening to “Santa, Baby,” but bear in mind that it is for the sake of your loved one. By the end, the patient should express a preference for “normal” music again.

The final phase of treatment for holiditis is to have the patient view holiday-themed movies. The first films viewed should be as “Christmas-y” as possible, such as White Christmas or the old Rudolph claymation film. Then you should gradually bring the level of holiday spirit down to the manageable level sustained by Home Alone, and continue until the patient is again able to view films with no mention of Christmas at all.

When the disease is detected early and treatment is begun promptly, the recovery rate from holiditis is 95%. If, however, diagnosis is delayed, some people are never able to fully recover. The most notable case of this is the 44-year-old electrician in Great Britain who celebrates Christmas every day, complete with a turkey dinner and presents to himself. Nobody deserves to end up like that. So please sit your loved one down and talk about it, because friends don’t let friends wear Santa hats all year long.

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